Emergency: affair!
“When I found out about the affair of my partner, it felt as if the sky had fallen on me."
I hear that sentence so often.
Such a situation is extremely demanding and challenging indeed. Feelings like anger and despair, pain and sadness alternate.
And you wonder:
• When do feelings stop riding roller coasters?
• When does this pain go away?
• Does our relationship still make sense?
• Can I ever trust my partner again?
An affair is the greatest possible abuse of trust. Nonetheless, if you as a couple are willing to work on the relationship, it can be mutually beneficial. Even if you decide to break up in the end. I encourage both partners not to get out of the relationship until they have learned something from the "misery". Otherwise, the partners will most likely repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship.
HOW I WORK WITH YOU WHEN AN AFFAIRHAS COME TO LIGHT:
1. You both get the space to express your grief and injuries. Both have the opportunity to share what they have been missing. I will make sure that both of you are understood and heard.
2. If both of you have acknowledged the other one's injuries, I will focus with you on what went wrong.
3. We will then highlight the emotional and psychological dynamics that may have led to the affair.
4. Finally, as a couple, you will learn new ways to reconnect and be closer again with one another.
AN OUTLOOK
At this point I would like to mention that couples also separate even though they have gone through this process. But even then, the partners are relatively okay with it because they came to a decision during the process that they went through together. In the case of a break-up, both partners will have a much better chance of a fulfilling next partnership.
Talking to a couples counselor is certainly not easy at first. But the decision to seek help is the key to improving or saving the relationship. A crisis can definitely be an opportunity!
You don't have to cope with the crisis on your own. You have come to the right place
when you need someone to sort your thoughts and to express your feelings in a
protected environment. I would be happy to help you find your way out of the drama.
1. What is best to do if an affair has come to light?
When an affair is discovered, many people experience an emotional shock that feels as though the “ground has been pulled from under their feet”. In this acute crisis, it is helpful to seek support to process your feelings and regain a sense of stability.
2. Is couples counselling even worthwhile after an affair?
Yes, couples counselling is very useful after an affair. Even if trust has been severely shaken, working through the issue together offers the chance to understand the relationship and find new ways forward – regardless of whether the relationship ultimately continues or ends. An affair that is not properly addressed often leads to carrying the pain into subsequent relationships.
3. What feelings are normal after an affair?
After an affair, strong emotions such as anger, pain, grief, despair and insecurity take turns. This emotional ‘rollercoaster’ is a normal reaction to the breach of trust experienced and requires time and support to stabilise.
4. How does counselling after an affair work?
At the start, both partners are given the space to express their feelings, hurt and perspectives. The focus then shifts to fostering mutual understanding, reflecting on the underlying causes of the crisis and identifying potential relationship patterns. The aim is to determine how and whether the relationship should continue.
5. Can an affair also be an opportunity for the relationship?
Yes, even though an affair is very painful, it can be an opportunity for change. By working through it together, new perspectives can emerge, leading either to a more conscious relationship or to a considered separation. In both cases, there is greater clarity for the future and potentially for future relationships.